In the style of Jack Nicholson's "The Joker" from the 1989 "Batman": "There is a name to my pain...and its name is Ashley." (I consider her an "it" because she is more "succubus" and less "girl").
I have made a commitment to this blog. Other than Bleacher Report, all of my online writing will be now regulated to this site for the time being. I know, I go through more new blogs than Vince does with women on the show "Entourage," but after this summer, I have found my new-found commitment to the San Francisco Giants.
However, being the Bay Area Sports fan that I am (and unwilling and unable time-wise to put in the research and reading on other Bay Area sports teams as I do for the Giants) I will dabble on certain timely thoughts on other teams and sports every now and then. I can't help it. While I may not love the 49ers, Warriors, Zags, Golden Bears, and Sharks as much as the Giants, I still do have passion when it concerns those teams.
So I decided to come up with another recurring segment called "Off the Topic." If it is a post that has anything to do with something other than Giants baseball or baseball in general, than it will be labeled on the headline, "Off the Topic."
"Off the Topic" articles will also concern other musings as well, with this post being centered on my favorite live-action television show Entourage (my top shows are mostly animated. The top 5 are "South Park", "The Simpsons", "Entourage", "King of the Hill" and then "Family Guy").
For the past few weeks, I have been stewing about the latest development in the life of my second-favorite character on" Entourage", Eric, or more fondly known as "E" (Johnny Drama is the first, simply for the fact his comic ability is undeniable and he will always salvage a show with a good line).
That development that keeps me up late at night cursing myself to sleep about?
His new girl, Ashley.
I absolutely, positively hate her in every way, shape and form.
I consider myself a pretty non-grudging person. Usually, I'm the kind of guy that may hate something initially, but after a while, I am able to warm up to that something, whether it is a person or thing.
Case in point, I absolutely hated the movie "The Crow: City of Angels" when I first saw it. I thought it was dumb, idiotic and completely poor in every movie category. Then, I saw it a second and third time, did some research on the movie and I grew to like it. I found out that original story was actually quite good, and that it made more sense when you knew the original script (unfortunately, the producers screwed it all up, and thus the movie doesn't make much sense when you watch it initially).
So as you can see, I can find the good in a lot of things. I'm not a completely hateful person that hates something for a long period of time, unless that something is the Dodgers, or a Dodgers player who used to be a Giant (cough...Jeff Kent...cough).
Yet after three episodes, I can't find any love in my soul for E's new girl Ashley. She epitomizes everything I hate about a friend's girlfriend.
That's right. She represents every friend's girlfriend you have hated in your lifetime.
You see, in every friend circle, there has always been that girlfriend of your friend that you have hated. Usually, it is a pretty wide sentiment too. Everybody in your circle of friends hates this girl, and you all want your friend to break up with her because she not only makes the life of your friend lousy, but she makes everybody else life in your circle of friends lousy as well.
And the worst part of that is nobody ever has the balls to admit that to the friend. Everyone kind of deals with it. Everyone deals how she is always around when you guys are hanging out. Everyone deals with how annoying she is. Everyone deals with how unattractive she is, even though she and your friend who is going out with her don't know it. Everyone deals with the fact that there are going to be those moments when she approaches you in public without your friend at her side and you have to be polite and actually hold a conversation with her even though every bone in your body wants to run or become invisible at that exact moment.
It's not fun. It has happened to my circle of friends numerous times. I would name names, but like I said, I don't hold grudges, remember?
Anyways, why is this "friend's girlfriend you hate" thing so important? Because Ashley is the perfect storm of that antagonizing figure.
First, she is unattractive. Seriously, the girl looks like a Bratz doll (e.g. really big head, grotesquely skinny body). I understand that any girl in comparison to Sloan would look unattractive, but come on! This is too much. Emily looks like a model compared to this girl. If somebody approached me and said "Look, you can sleep with Emily and get no money, or you can sleep with Ashley and get 1,000 bucks" I would take sleeping with Emily every time. And Emily's no prized "Madison Bumgarner" prospect either. She's cute, but not Sloan hot. Yet, I would still hook up with her for free rather than get with Ashley and actually get paid. That is how put off I am by Ashley's looks.
Second, she is annoying. I have known plenty of annoying girls in my short time so far here on Earth. Ashley tops them all, and I'm only exposed to her about a max of five to ten minutes a week. She is just everything you don't like about a girl: she is overbearing, she is awkward with people and she is simply strange and not in a good way.
Sometimes you want strange in a girl. Strange can make you keep interest in someone when you usually would grow bored with them. This is not a "good" strange with her. Rather than the "Wow, I want to know what makes her click" kind of strange, Ashley is the "I really don't enjoy where this is going because it might make me sick" kind of strange. Plain and simple, she tries too hard to be somebody you just don't see in her. The whole "Have you ever had sex with anybody in your office?" scene in Episode 4 was just downright uncomfortable to watch. You look at her and are like "No way she said that. How can she say that? No way the writers put that in the script...right?" Granted, that could be a product of bad writing and bad acting, but whatever. The bottom line? I don't feel comfortable when I watch Ashley on screen and I wish I could fast forward her scenes simply to avoid that sour feeling I get in my stomach when she opens her big mouth (which I might do the next time I watch the show On Demand).
Lastly, and this what infuriates me the most, is that nobody else on the show seems to notice these flaws. Granted, it's early. Maybe there is that "girlfriend of the friend everybody hates" story brewing, but I just don't see it coming anytime soon. There are so many plot lines right now running that there just doesn't seem to be room for this one: the Jamie-Turtle relationship, everybody going out on their own etc. It's sad because I think if that storyline comes up, it could really turn a lot of people to the show because everybody would be like "Yeah, I sympathize with that. I totally hated (insert hated girlfriend's name) back when (insert friend's name) was going out with her in college."
To give the writers some credit, they tried to do it with Kristin, E's first girl, but even then, that was kind of half-assed. They were busy trying to develop E's own friendship with Vince that they didn't really have the time to bust out the whole "Man, everybody hates this girl and E really should break up with her now" angle. The writes had E kind of break up with her because there was really no room for her in the show anymore with E moving in with the "Entourage" and it would be just too convoluted and tough to keep Kristin in the running altogether. So they had her get with Emily, had E do it with the Perfect 10 model, and boom...the girlfriend everybody hates is out of the picture just like that.
Am I perhaps putting to much salt into this relationship? Am I putting too much thought and emotion into a television show? Perhaps, but I haven't got worked up and this involved with a television show in my life, and it pains me to have my experience with "Entourage" ruined every week this summer because of this one girl. I look forward to Entourage every Sunday. It's a common bond I have with my friends ever since we found out about the show sophomore year in the fall, and watched every episode that our friend downloaded off torrents until the season premiere later that spring. "Entourage" is a common bond not just between my friends, but between a lot of guys who find solace in the show and its characters.
And Ashley is ruining this bond I have with this show. She is ruining this small great thing I have in my life like that friend's girlfriend who ruins my own friendship with the guy she is toying with, and simply won't go away or won't get dumped. To make matters worse, she is being used on this show as if viewers actually like her, and actually believe she can be a good replacement for Sloan. That simply ticks me off to no end, simply because her future on this show not only will last until the end of the season, but even possibly beyond (oh God, please don't let that be so).
Of course, it's out of my hands. Maybe something will happen. Maybe Drama, Turtle and Vince will grow to hate Ashley like I and a lot of my friends do.
If I can hope the Giants can win the World Series this year, then I can certainly hope Ashley will get the boot off this show she most certainly deserves.